the world is not small, you are

No, I'm not keen on explaining where I've been. No, I didn't just sneak off. I took a holiday. Yes, I know there's paperwork to be filed. Maybe it went astray, enough things in this office do. No, I'm not insinuating something about this office. No, I'm not doing anything I'm ashamed of. I just want a private life. No, I'm not trying to be funny. No, I'm not subversive. No, I have no doubts as to my loyalty. No, I'm not trying to make a mockery of this office. No, I'm not sneaking out my research. No, I'm not doing anything to aid the enemy. No, no, no. A thousand times bloody no. I'll tell them anything they want to hear and then some, and don't they know that as well as I do?

I want out of this office so bad. Dr T's damn bulldogs are down my throat with their claws and spit-shined boots and all I want is to get away. I need to get away. I need to know what's happening with Trevelyan him and I need to know if we have to go. I almost hope we do. I almost hope we have to pack up and skip off and end up in Nouvelle Orleans where I can work in peace and so can he and people seem somewhat more civilized, somehow. It's warm there, warm and humid and I want to taste his skin in the summer heat when the air smells like jasmine. It would be heaven. I'd be all his, no other strings attached any more. That's what I want, more than anything else on earth.

I just have to get out of here, first. With my work. I just have to wait for the moment when something is far more interesting than haranguing me. Granted, I'm live, wiggling, squirming bait that is effectively cornered, so very little is more interesting than haranguing me, but something will come up. This is Mysteries, after all.

So apparently, the Mysteries tradition of "everyone gang up on Viresh over tea" is far from over. Between my sister, Rosier and Tatsuko, I think I'm never going to come out of my office again. They keep insisting I'm queer, bloody insisting and Rosier volunteered to help me find out and I thought this sort of nonsense stopped when one left school! Good heavens, don't they have anything better to do? They have a fucking pool running! I know the whole situation with Tatsuko was a mess--a train wreck, to be honest--and I understand she thinks I'm absolutely pathetic, but this is getting ridiculous. It was one bad night! Just one! Everyone else gets to make mistakes, why don't I? I mean, the date wasn't that bad, up until the point where we actually attempted to have sex. Well, I suppose it was awkward at times, but I'm rather awkward at times, and we talked about work too much, and I know the actual intercourse was...sub par. Alarmingly so. Abysmal, I suppose. Moreso for her, I think, considering how she took me to task about it once our clothes were back on. But it was just one bad night! I just froze. That's all. It doesn't mean anything.

I swear, the lot of them can hang. I have no idea why I have this reputation! Even Lilah bloody took the shot! What am I doing wrong? I'm not queer, I'm really not, I don't know why they insist I am. I could've dated Priscilla in school, I just opted not to. And I liked Tatsuko, I really did until this whole mess happened. I'm attracted to women, I really am. There are just more important things in my life right now than a bloody relationship, and I'll get around to it when I'm ready, not a moment before. Really, if I'm going to do it, I should make inquiries along the proper channels in India, find a suitable match, that sort of thing. Carry on the family name. It's what I'm supposed to do. I just...don't like Anglo women, and I don't think they much care for me. But I'm not queer. And if Rosier threatens/offers to help me out with it one more time, I might throttle the smug bastard with my bare hands.

Actually, that may well be therapeutic.

Fuck, Zitek's on the list.

There's one interview I'll never be able to complete. And he's important. Maybe one of the most important.

Fuck. I am such an oblivious idiot sometimes. I can hear my father now. Lovely, Viresh, just lovely. Remarkable way you have of conducting research and putting subjects at ease.

Fuck.